The Tar Pit

V patch: mp-wp_thetarpit-theme.vpatch (seal).

The results presented here can be obtained by: first, copying the "default" theme directory to a new one and changing the comment at the top of each php file so that the "subpackage" field reflects the name of the new theme¹.

Second, one may optionally remove the sidebar by searching for all calls to the get_sidebar function and commenting/removing that line².

Third, one should adjust the style.css file to reflect the desired visual layout, i.e. colours, font, column size etc. Additionally, it's easy to remove the gradient-ish header by editing header.php and removing the inline CSS referring to "kubrickblahblah.svg". This step can be run in a feedback loop with others, e.g. adjusting the column size after removing the sidebar.

Fourth, one should adjust archives.php, i.e. the "Archives" template to contain the desired content, e.g. in this theme's case a search box, the categories and the monthly archives.

Fifth, one should create a new template named "First" for the first page. Creating a new template is achieved by creating a new file, say, first.php, which at the beginning contains e.g.:

<?php
/**
 * @package WordPress
 * @subpackage TheTarPit
 */
/*
Template Name: First
*/
?>

Obviously, we then need to display the header:

<?php get_header(); ?>

and then the content. We won't go into details regarding how to display e.g. recent posts and comments³, but after you've done this, you must similarly make it echo the footer:

<?php get_footer(); ?>

Sixth, one may display the pages described in the fourth and the fifth steps by e.g. creating a new page in the Wordpress administrative interface and setting the "Template" field to the desired template. If your template doesn't appear there, then you've most likely botched something in the code, so please to go back to the fifth step.

Seventh, there are other small things that you might wish to do, for example getting the proper selection mechanism in place⁴. Similarly, you can add Trilema-style random taglines to your header.php by first adding to your theme's functions.php:

function thetarpit_head() {
        $taglines = array('A witty tagline',
                          'Yet another witty tagline',
                          'You're going to laugh your ass off reading this');
        $tagline = $taglines[mt_rand(0, count($taglines) - 1)];
        update_option('thetarpit_tagline', $tagline);
}

and

add_action('wp_head', 'thetarpit_head');

then in header.php changing the following call

bloginfo('description');

to

get_option('thetarpit_tagline');

Of course, the pseudo-random array indexing can be replaced with a database query into a new table or whatever; this can be adjusted as the user desires.

Eighth, one may now finally lie back and admire his new theme. It may not be perfect, much like the hack-ridden process of arriving here wasn't. That's fine though, even God himself rested after making his imperfect earth.

Filed under: meta.
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